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In all relationships and generally in life, it’s considered good manners to “know what you want.” But what if you don’t? Worse, what if you actually do have preferences, but you’re too afraid to speak them aloud? In this solo episode of How to Be an Adult, Luke Chao explores these questions and tries to arrive at some principles for how to be more decisive:
- Not knowing what you want isn’t always a problem. Sometimes you’re genuinely indifferent between several good options. Other times, you simply haven’t accumulated enough knowledge or experience to develop a preference. Neither situation needs to be pathologized.
- You discover your preferences through experience. You can’t necessarily know what career, relationship, or lifestyle suits you until you’ve explored different possibilities. Sometimes the solution to uncertainty is to gain experience rather than engage in more introspection.
- Sometimes “I don’t know what I want” is a lie we tell ourselves and others. You might know exactly what you want but feel uncomfortable admitting it because your preferences conflict with other people’s expectations.
- People-pleasing can disguise your true desires. Fear of disappointing parents, disagreeing with friends, or violating cultural expectations can make it easier to claim uncertainty than to express a genuine preference.
- Short-term and long-term desires can conflict. Something that feels good today might undermine your future ambitions. Make decisions with the understanding that there will be a tomorrow, and that your future self deserves consideration.
- Beware of believing the grass is always greener elsewhere. When you compare your current circumstances with imagined alternatives, remember that your existing choices were probably made for good reasons. Don’t dismiss the judgment of your younger self or overlook the benefits of what you’ve already built.
- Indecision is itself a decision—and often the worst one. Refusing to choose doesn’t preserve every opportunity indefinitely. Opportunities can disappear, relationships can move on, and progress can stall. Making a decision allows your life to move forward.
- Making a decision necessarily means eliminating alternatives. The word “decision” implies cutting off possibilities. Rather than fearing the options you lose, recognize that committing to one direction is what makes meaningful progress possible.
- Stop searching for the perfect choice. No career, relationship, home, or life path will be flawless. There are many options that are good enough to produce happiness, prosperity, and fulfillment. Perfectionism can prevent you from appreciating perfectly acceptable opportunities.
- Most decisions aren’t permanent. You can change careers, move cities, end relationships, or pursue different interests as your circumstances evolve. Making a decision today doesn’t mean surrendering your ability to make different decisions tomorrow.
- However, there is enormous value in commitment. Staying with a career, relationship, or pursuit allows benefits to accumulate over time. Experience, expertise, trust, and meaningful achievements often emerge only after years of sustained effort. The freedom to change course also includes the freedom to stay.
- There isn’t one correct path to a fulfilling life. Many different careers, partners, homes, and circumstances can lead to happiness. Your job isn’t to discover the one predetermined route to success but to choose a worthwhile direction and continue developing it.
Table of Contents
0:00 – Introduction
3:38 – What If You Lack Knowledge or Experience?
5:41 – People Take “What You Want” Seriously
9:51 – When “What You Want” Conflcits with “What You’re Capable of”
12:04 – “What You Want” in the Short- and Long-Term
15:52 – The Grass Isn’t Greener On The Other Side
17:40 – Any Decision Is Better Than Indecision
19:30 – There’s No Perfect Decision
20:28 – Few Decisions Are Forever
23:58 – The Merits Of Commitment
26:11 – No Single True Path
33:58 – Outro
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Luke Chao is the host of the How to Be an Adult podcast. Possessing of a philosophical approach to life, he is keenly interested in improving the society they live in. In this podcast, he shares his thoughts freely in order to democratize high-quality living.